オリジナル小説-「その傷の重さは②」

そんな生活を続けて数年が経ちました。背も伸びましたし、自分で言うのはなんですが、そこそこの美人な少女に成長したような気がします。内面はともかく。
 ある日、わたしの前にいかにも得のたかそうなお坊さんが現れました。侍たちでは無力だとわかったのでしょう。でも、それも無意味。わたしは当然のように力を使いました。しかし、どうしてだかそのお坊さんには傷をつけられませんでした。いくら力を暴走させても。わたしは、初めて人を怖いと思いました。わたしより強い人間がいるとは思いもよらなかったのです。だから、殺されるかもしれない、と思いました。しかし、お坊さんは笑って、お前さんは人の痛みを考えたことがあるか、と問いました。痛み。わたしは、それを憎しみとして知っている。孤独と、寂しさと、憎しみ。そう言うと、だからお前さんは子供なのだ、と返しました。わたしは「子供」と言われたことに少なからず腹が立ちました。大人に守られていたころとは違うのです。わたしは自分で自分を守れる。あなたを傷つけることだって。お坊さんは、笑ったまま言いました。お前さんは今までに数え切れないほどの人を傷つけてきた。その傷の重さを知りなさい、と。わたしは、わけがわかりませんでした。しかし、問い直す前に、瞬きの間にお坊さんは消えてしまったのです。
 翌日、お腹の減ったわたしはいつものように荷馬車を襲いました。当たり前のように、傷をつけて。しかし、次の瞬間、体に激痛が走りました。見ると、あちこちに傷ができていました。そして、それはわたしが相手に傷を負わせたのと同じ場所でした。わたしは恐怖と痛みで混乱して、痛む体を引きずりながらそこから逃げました。
 痛い。痛い。痛い。
 こんなにも痛かったなんて。そのとき、わたしは初めて自分のしてきた行いを後悔しました。わたしは人の痛みも知らずに、容赦なく、冷酷に、理不尽に人を傷つけていました。どれだけ、その人が痛い、苦しいと感じたのでしょう。わたしは、その痛みをようやく知ることができたのです。
 わたしは、痛みと、後悔と、懺悔で泣きながら夜を過ごしました。わたしは、自分のことを強い力を持った特別な人間だと思っていました。しかし、それは大きな勘違いでした。わたしは、かまいたちの力にすがっただけの、ただの弱虫でした。人を傷つけて、それで自分が強くなったかのように驕っていた、罪深き少女でした。
 わたしは、もうこの力は決して使わない、そう決意しました。

 わたしはとある村に来ていました。仕事を探すためです。もう、かまいたちの力は使わずに、まっとうに、人間らしく、生きようと思ったのです。苦労して見つけた働き先は小さな茶屋でした。そこで給仕として働くことになったのです。わたしは気立てが悪くはありましたが、そこそこの美人として通りましたし、少しづつお客さんや村の人々に受け入れられていきました。久々に感じたあたたかさでした。わたしは化け物じゃない。ちゃんと人として生きられるじゃないか。そう、喜びました。
 やがて、仕事も板について、その茶屋の看板娘として扱われるようになりました。茶屋には様々な人が訪れます。お坊さん、旅人、侍さん、子供たち。いろんな話を聞きました。北国の凍るような寒さや、鬼と戦ったという眉唾な話、仏様のお話。わたしはただ聞いているだけでしたが、そうしているだけで心が通じているような気になります。人と人とは簡単に分かり合え、打ち解けられるのだということを知りました。凍てついていた心がゆっくりととけていくのを感じました。そこでの時間は本当に素敵なものだったのです。
 しかし、それも長くは続きませんでした。
 茶屋にはわたしの他にも幾人かの女の子が働いていました。最初は仲良くできると思っていたのですが、村の育ちでもない、素性をよくわからないわたしが看板娘になったことが許せなかったのでしょう。わたしは、嫌われていました。
 ある日のことです。わたしはその子たちに呼び出され、ほとんど無理やり人気のない場所に連れて行かれました。そこで彼女たちに囲まれたわたしは、ひどい言葉で罵られました。余所者風情が、と。挙げ句の果てに暴力を振られました。殴る、蹴る。暴力は止みませんでした。痛みの中、なぜ、こんなことになってしまったのだろう、と考えていました。わたしはなにもしていないのに。やはり、捨て子は捨て子らしく、人の目を偲んで生きていかなければならないのでしょうか。わたしはやはり、ここでも捨てられるのでしょうか。
 いや、わたしは悪くないはずだ。
 悪いのは、あなたたち。
 憎むべきは、あなたたち。
 努力を欠いてきた、あなたたち。
 黒い憎しみが、心を、染めていきます。ああ、憎い。なんでわたしだけがこんなに痛い思いをしなければならないの。あなたたちも、知ったらどうなの。わたしの、痛みを。
 瞬間、悲鳴があがりました。それは彼女たちと、わたしのものでした。彼女たちの体に無数の傷ができています。それは、わたしも同じ。
 ああ、また、人を傷つけてしまった。絶対にもう、傷つけないと決めていたのに。
 女の子たちは悲鳴をあげて逃げていきます。わたしは殴り蹴られた痛みと、傷の痛みで動けずにいました。
 人と人は分かり合えると思っていました。
 こんなわたしでも受入れてくれる人がいたことが嬉しかった。
 わたしは人間なんだと、信じたかった。
 しかし、それは間違いだったようです。
 やはり、わたしは人を傷つけずにはいられない、化け物なのです。生きている限り、わたしは人を傷つけ続ける。
 なら、もう。
 わたしなんていなければよかったのに。
 傷つけて、自分も傷つくくらいなら、もう、誰とも関わりたくない。
 そうだ、わたしは一人きりで孤独に生きていこう。誰とも会わず、誰とも話さず。そうすれば、わたしは誰も傷つけることはない。わたしも傷つかない。
 そして、それは限りなく自由。

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    赌场的英文:sporting house参考例句: Lucky in cards,unlucky in love赌场得意,情场失意 Unlucky in love, lucky at play.情场失意,赌场得意。 The main gamin 广告合作:support@365winner.com Register now! CASINO是赌场的英文单词,这个单词据说来源于中国话“看戏喽”,起因是早在一百多年前,华工在美国的西部攸铁路,工余闲来无事,中国人喜欢小赌一把,便互相喊着“看戏喽”,实际上 相信很多人没拿过第一,所以不知道这个吃鸡梗,更多的是从直播间们主播的口头禅中听来的。这段话的英文原版是“WINNER WINNER ,CHICKEN DINNER!”,源于电影《决胜21点》中的一段台词 赌场的英文:sporting house参考例句: Lucky in cards,unlucky in love赌场得意,情场失意 Unlucky in love, lucky at play.情场失意,赌场得意。 The main gamin https://cristianqkap653198.tusblogos.com/14261226/德州-撲克-荷-官-教學 l  德州扑克的数学-4:深度分析 接下来的两个表格说明你拿到特定口袋对子而落后于对手的可能性。第一个表格说明一个对手拿到更大口袋对子的可能性。 德州扑克不是单纯的大小比较,不是暴力的斗牛,所以单独看概率表是没有意义的。但高手玩家,对各种牌型出现的可能性,应该说都是有不错的掌握的。 计算概率可以有很多种算法。比如我们可以按参与人数算,在视频网站领域,做的人多了,分到你那里,可能胜算就只有10%了。论德州扑克成败,其实不看你打赢了多少局,而是看你打输了多少次 一旦你拿到有前景的起手牌,这个表格将派上用场。你能看到你的起手牌在翻牌圈得到提高的可能性。 答:站在玩家自己手持同花底牌的角度,flop出现天花大约是0.84%的概率;而如果已知两人都是同样花色手牌,那么flop出现天花的概率变成0.49%。

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